Bumpy, Messy, Broken...yet sooo Beautiful!

My heart and mind have been fumbling through some things the last few weeks.  I have been desiring clarity in understanding what faith looks like (really looks like) and how it looks to live it out amidst the messiness of life...I start feeling like I am getting it...then it gets re-jumbled with questions, and honestly just life in general.  

If you know me you know I am a "Type A" personality.  I like order.  I like checklists, and really like checking stuff off of it.  I like a clean house.  I like to do things well.  I like black and white...grey leaves too many questions.  I like a checkbook that balances to the penny, and a cushion of savings to lean into.  I don't like chaos.  I don't like feeling out of control. I don't like it when people misunderstand me and I can't make it right.  I just want order and happiness all around me...wouldn't that just be great?!  It would be ideal...but yeah, life IS NOT ideal, and we are all aware of that.

Yet...we want to be perceived by others like we have things in perfect order and have the ideal life...many of us post all that "goodness" on Facebook and then turn back to the reality of our lives and feel empty, tired, and wish for more out of life.  Something within us longs for more...longs for purpose and peace in this journey.  Can you relate?

Lately I have been sensing pain, hurt, tears, questions, and silent "Whys?" in those around me...and even at times sensing them in my own heart.  But we have been conditioned (wrongly I might add) that we need to be strong, positive, and honestly...fake.  It breaks my heart to see so many around me silently hurting and feeling like nobody understands...feeling like they need their mask on that shows the world their smile when in reality they are hurting inside.  You know what makes me even sadder is that this happens in the walls of my church, and churches all over the world.  The place where

people who are hurting should come to feel safe and find hope and healing from the messiness of life...instead many come into church feeling like they have to be good Christians and have life fit perfectly together, but really...nobody has it ALL together.  Those who need healing come in and feel alone, and don't feel like they can connect to the masks being worn...they leave hopeless and still hurting.

I have this deep desire to be used to help people.  To encourage and bring hope to them.  But then I find myself thinking, "Who are you to really help anybody?  You don't have it figured out.  You don't have a perfect life! You obviously are not in the place to help anybody until you figure yourself out.”  I feel defeated because if I have to have it together to make any differences in the lives of those around me…I probably will never accomplish anything because I am not together.  I am a work in progress, with a heart that deeply desires more and is open to being molded…even if that isn’t easy…BUT I am so far from perfect it isn’t even funny.

So God…let’s see you use me in my imperfection as a mom and wife who can lack patience with those she loves most; let’s see you use me to teach my kids from home rather than send them off to have an "educated professional" teach them; let’s see you use someone who isn’t confident in being out front, leading others, in a position that requires that; let’s see you take all my deep rooted insecurities and use me to encourage others in theirs.  That's a tall order there...

And you know what was spoken to my heart?...  

“Yes, Ranae that is exactly how I want to use you.  

I shine the brightest through what is broken.  It is in your weakness I am strong.  

My power is made perfect in your weakness...not your perfection.”  

A few days ago I got a picture in my mind of this broken jar (i.e. me/Ranae), placed inside a plastic container (the fake masks I wear)…pretending not to be broken and pretending

life is good while accomplishing little…but when the plastic container is removed a life giving water flows out of that jar…a beautiful and bright light breaks forth and shines out into the darkness.  

I am reminded that God didn't choose to use a long list of people who had life figured out to accomplish His purposes…the only perfect one was Jesus.  The rest of those, men and women of great faith, throughout the Bible were…well they were messed up (Hebrews 11 is a great example)!  They stumbled and made mistakes, but they were willing to be real, and step out in faith knowing God was bigger than their mistakes; trusting God could bring beauty from what was broken, and bring blessing from the ashes of life.  They lived surrendered and filled with hope in the One that could use their lives beyond the pain the world offered.

That is how I want to live…surrendered…trusting with faith that in my lack of perfection I can be used to bring hope to others in their life’s journeys...even Just1.  Life is bumpy, messy, broken, but please hear from my heart today…in the midst of all that, there IS Beauty – Peace – Comfort – Purpose to be found!

If you are struggling with faith today.  If you are struggling with life.  If you are struggling with questions marks in your mind.  Please know…YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  Life is tough, but there is a sweet richness that comes as you surrender those things to the One who can bring beauty from them.

Let's not pursue perfection or the idea of it, but rather a life that is REAL, and willing to let beauty come from the brokenness, hurt, and pain of this life. <3

I love this song...He knows...every hurt and every pain, and uses us despite it all!!! 
Jeremy Camp - He Knows